To Thrive on Conflict

I was taught from a young age, that struggle is a part of life. Not to say that I've experienced more adversity than the next person; but that if everything is going smoothly, then some essential part of the experience is missing.

I have an inherent need to be preoccupied. As much as I complain about the things that don't go my way, I live off the need to fix; over-analyze; compare; solve; and understand.I've reached a juncture in my life, one that has come to help me realize, that even when everything is perfect, I break down the parts of my life that could be better. Even though things are close to wonderful for me, I can't help but dig up issues that lead to less than satisfaction. I choose the high road. I make things more difficult than they need to be. I can't relax, I have to be busy.

Growing up with a father, subsequently a Type A personality, has caused a pattern of thinking in myself that is not natural to my own personality. Life is about never settling; never becoming complacent. In my journey to the adult I have become today, and I use the term "adult" lightly, I have become very familiar with self sabatoge. I've never considered it a negative attribute, because it is what has shaped me. But, satisfaction has always been an arms length away; never too far out of reach, but not quite in my grasp.The paths I take are always the ones that lead to more confusion and stress. The people I choose are always people in need of help. The thoughts I think, always end up chasing each other in my head.

I never thought of my constant struggle to better everything as a nuissance. Rather I had always expected it to be blessing in disguise. I have become a strong person who flourishes in heated situations; distress; pressure; and anxiety. I am my father's daughter as sure as the sun sets. I find myself in a leveled state. Briefly, my progress has pleatued, and I have come to realize that I'm chasing a pot of gold.

I'm not sure if I'll ever find the success and happines I'm searching for, or if I'd even recognize it if it crossed my path. Would I, then, blow it off as something trivial? Could it be possible that I've missed too many opportunities because I took the high road instead? Maybe I'll never know. But until I do, I continue to thrive on conflict.