I’ve recently crossed paths with an issue I don’t fully understand; the idea of self esteem; the idea of a positive regard for oneself. The concept does not resonate with me. It is completely unfamiliar, but doesn’t bother me. It is normal; because things in my life are not black and white. It’s not that I lack a certain regard for myself, or dislike who I am. It’s hard to explain. I’m not fully sure who I am. This, what might be seen as another character flaw, does not bother me either. How am I to feel something either way, for someone I do not know? ; Myself.
I’m a person in constant evolution. I’m surrounded by change. How am I to have this personal esteem for myself, when “myself” is an ever-changing concept? My self-awareness is constantly mirrored by the places I see, the people I know and the feelings I experience. My life is a messy art-form; a collage of where I’ve been, interactions, and the things I find beautiful. I am soft clay, being sculpted and re-sculpted by these things. Never satisfied with the current shape; change being necessary. Each form, once completed, evolves into one renewed; different. Maybe one day some form will be who I become; soft clay hardened. But I am still searching for who that is, who I want it to be.
I often think that what is beautiful about my life is the disorganization, the mystery. It has never bothered me. Order, gone. It was never really there. The key things run along jagged edges, parts of me overlapping, not in line. Pieces stuck together; adhered with the glue seeping from the sides. Images stuck to words. These things may not be easy to identify up close. Concepts pasted together with little correlation. Colors clashing. A collage that makes no sense when the elements are alone. But when you step back, the components, as a whole are wonderful; the overall concept makes sense. Disarray is beautiful, and part of me; whoever that is.
I’m a person in constant evolution. I’m surrounded by change. How am I to have this personal esteem for myself, when “myself” is an ever-changing concept? My self-awareness is constantly mirrored by the places I see, the people I know and the feelings I experience. My life is a messy art-form; a collage of where I’ve been, interactions, and the things I find beautiful. I am soft clay, being sculpted and re-sculpted by these things. Never satisfied with the current shape; change being necessary. Each form, once completed, evolves into one renewed; different. Maybe one day some form will be who I become; soft clay hardened. But I am still searching for who that is, who I want it to be.
I often think that what is beautiful about my life is the disorganization, the mystery. It has never bothered me. Order, gone. It was never really there. The key things run along jagged edges, parts of me overlapping, not in line. Pieces stuck together; adhered with the glue seeping from the sides. Images stuck to words. These things may not be easy to identify up close. Concepts pasted together with little correlation. Colors clashing. A collage that makes no sense when the elements are alone. But when you step back, the components, as a whole are wonderful; the overall concept makes sense. Disarray is beautiful, and part of me; whoever that is.
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