Letters to My Mother

Hey mommy! Thanks for that email. I'm in the control room right now and I printed out the Alan Cohen excerpt so my co-workers could take a look at it when they are in here! I hope you are having a lovely day. I am so far :)

It was hard for me to wake up this morning because I was so cozy in my Victorias Secret jammies and snowboard socks underneath all my new comfy bedding. I have to say that mornings are both hard and a favorite part of my day. I wake up and think about how amazing Thomas and our life together is... and how I wish I could lay in bed all day cuddled up next to him with Guinness snuggled at my feet... watching CSI or something. It's always bittersweet leaving for work while they lay asleep. But kissing them both before I leave reminds me of what I get to come home to and it keeps me content all day.

I don't know how to explain how I feel lately. I guess that's because for the first time in my life, I am genuinely happy- not to say that I have always been unhappy. But, I think happiness means something different to me than it does most other people. Most people are happy just being alive, but I think I need a little more than that to keep me satisfied.

To be happy, I have always needed to know that I am making something better; that someone or something has been fixed, completed, accomplished or gotten better because of me. I never knew why I would always be anxoius when I have been given mundane tasks or free time. Both of those freak me out. I guess it is just something hardwired in my nature to be progressive- to be working towards something. I think that's why you and I both like crossword puzzles and stuff so much :) and I think my job is such a big part of that.

As much as I feel like pulling my hair out at the end of a workday, I go home feeling satisfied... like I have just eaten something very filling and nutritious. Ok, maybe that is a cheesey analogy, but it's the only way I can put it. And it's not that I never wanted to do all of this before, but I didn't know how. I didn't have the resources and knowledge that I have now.

I know, and always have known, that the key to my happiness lies in improving the condition of the world somehow. I know that I am just one person- just one, naeve, young person with little effect on the world. But as long as I feel like I am doing something... I get by. I know that the improvements I aspire to make seem trivial in the light of the world; the universe, but they are enough for me. Sometimes "improving" is as simple as drawing flowers to make the world a prettier place and putting it on someone's fridge :) Sometimes it involves dealing with something much uglier than that.

Sometimes the world could use a little more naevety, you know? If everyone begins to think that improving the world is a lost cause, we'd give up hope and that's where humanity would fail. I think that if people sought to do small things every day to make the world a better place, they would find unimaginable happiness... like epic happiness on a whole new scale of happiness that they didn't know could exist. Do I sound like such a hippie right now???

I'm not trying to toot my own horn. I'm just saying I have been lucky enough to cross paths with the opportunity to realize all of this and I will try to extend the same courtesy I have been given to other people.

Maybe this realization is just characteristic for my personality type alone. Maybe others find other things of much more importance in life. Maybe I would seem delusional to them. Maybe my efforts and hopes seem silly to them. But they aren't silly to me, and I guess that's all that matters.

My current career and newly-starting-out-family pair together to add the special ingredients to make a more fulfilling life. I have found a love towards Thomas that I didn't know was possible with someone not of my own blood. I have discovered true happiness in supporting my core values and being loved by someone that I love. Of course Mom, it helps that I had such a good start. I have an amazing support system- a nutty family I wouldn't change for the world. Because of the people I grew up around, I feel like I have a realistic and empathetic perspective on life that I want to explin to other people (Don't I sound like such a liberal??)

I know what my happiness means to you, thank you for always taking an interest in it. I know it isn't easy being a mother. So know that before you leave for Germany, that I am a big girl; you aren't leaving me behind. You are just doing what it is that you need to do to find YOUR genuine happiness. So go ahead, and know that I am okay. I have been doing a lot of growing up, and for the most part- you are done cleaning up my messes (literally). Thank you for being patient as my "growing up" didn't start to take place until so recently.

Making you proud of me is the most important thing I could ever do for you as your daughter.

I love you! So, Stop crying right now!

Tashi