The Prayers and Grey Areas of an Atheist

I have struggled with many ideologies and schools of thought on "why?". Why am I here? Why did this happen? Why does anything happen?

I have never been satisfied with the answers given to me.

So, because of my nature, I made it black and white; I answered my own question. "There is no rhyme or reason, no harmony in the universe" I thought. "Existence itself is the result of catastrophe. There is nothing behind it. Life forms exist in order to promote the continuance of new life".

And I believed that for a long time. I didn't look past my biological role as a life-form on this earth.

I did as I cared. My actions held no weight. It was hard to see my small significance in contrast to the vast, grandiosity of the Universe.

I didn't see a path. I lost track of my values. I brushed off my core beliefs as petty human idiosyncrasies; natural responses to my interactions with others of my kind.

The idea that anyone has a "calling" in their life, seemed like an obligation programmed in others by society.

And so, I took the idea of a "passion" lightly. I didn't see my path, because I didn't know it existed. All I knew is that everything should be "black and white".

I continued this way of thinking for as long as it could carry me. And then I was lost. I rebelled so hard against the "white" that all I saw was "black"; and then I saw nothing. I was blinded, left in the darkness,by my own resistance to what I thought couldn't exist; a grey area.

As I moved away from my "home", I had a slight chip on my shoulder and an empty place in my heart. And I somehow found something here to fill both.

There are two things that have changed my outlook on my purpose: love and my "calling". Whether they found me, or I found them, I do not know. But all of the sudden I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.


My path existed all along. I could begin my journey, the correct route, whenever I chose. I just had to look for it first; I had to believe in its existance.

So I'm extending my grattitude; to what or whom, I don't know. I'm grateful that I have found my way. And I think it's okay now to let that message escape into the universe. I hope that this message can find it's way to the grey area... which is tricky to find.

I have found some center and acceptance in between "black" and "white".

I will strive to continue my "grey" life-style.


N. Goslow