The Prayers and Grey Areas of an Atheist

I have struggled with many ideologies and schools of thought on "why?". Why am I here? Why did this happen? Why does anything happen?

I have never been satisfied with the answers given to me.

So, because of my nature, I made it black and white; I answered my own question. "There is no rhyme or reason, no harmony in the universe" I thought. "Existence itself is the result of catastrophe. There is nothing behind it. Life forms exist in order to promote the continuance of new life".

And I believed that for a long time. I didn't look past my biological role as a life-form on this earth.

I did as I cared. My actions held no weight. It was hard to see my small significance in contrast to the vast, grandiosity of the Universe.

I didn't see a path. I lost track of my values. I brushed off my core beliefs as petty human idiosyncrasies; natural responses to my interactions with others of my kind.

The idea that anyone has a "calling" in their life, seemed like an obligation programmed in others by society.

And so, I took the idea of a "passion" lightly. I didn't see my path, because I didn't know it existed. All I knew is that everything should be "black and white".

I continued this way of thinking for as long as it could carry me. And then I was lost. I rebelled so hard against the "white" that all I saw was "black"; and then I saw nothing. I was blinded, left in the darkness,by my own resistance to what I thought couldn't exist; a grey area.

As I moved away from my "home", I had a slight chip on my shoulder and an empty place in my heart. And I somehow found something here to fill both.

There are two things that have changed my outlook on my purpose: love and my "calling". Whether they found me, or I found them, I do not know. But all of the sudden I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.


My path existed all along. I could begin my journey, the correct route, whenever I chose. I just had to look for it first; I had to believe in its existance.

So I'm extending my grattitude; to what or whom, I don't know. I'm grateful that I have found my way. And I think it's okay now to let that message escape into the universe. I hope that this message can find it's way to the grey area... which is tricky to find.

I have found some center and acceptance in between "black" and "white".

I will strive to continue my "grey" life-style.


N. Goslow

♥

I love this song... and I love Thomas Allen Gibson Junior!

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry and curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that she would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it did not exist

But Darling, you are the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

But you are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing -Paramore

My opinion doesn't really matter...

I've never claimed to be saavy in politics, but somehow I'm an opinionated liberal. It may be genetic or just learned from a long line of like-minded people. Either way, I feel being a liberal is closest to along the lines of my core beliefs in the manner. I guess I just need to hear myself explain why.



The most significant reason for my beliefs lies in my emotional connection with other people. I think that I feel empathy for other people in different kinds of circumstances all over the world. I feel like I can understand what they would say if they were to voice their concerns and thoughts on the way things should be, through their eyes.



I voted for Obama. Am I maybe a little disappointed? Yes. Do I regret voting for him? No. Because if I were to have voted for McCain, I would have been going against my own values on how we should interact as a country and with other countries.



Why am I a liberal? The major reason is that I believe in social reform. I believe in social funds. I believe in TAXES. I believe in extending my hand to other people that need help. I do believe in working hard for my own money, and I do every day. But I don't complain about the taxes that are taken out of my paycheck- because I know that this money is going to improving the state and country I live in. I know that money is going to someone who needs it a little bit more than me. I support taxes. I guess that makes me a Democrat.



Do I think the system is flawed? Yes. One thing I cannot stand is the people that take advantage of the welfare system. For some, it's as simple as popping out a few more kids for the extra zero on the welfare check. Yes, it does sicken me that someone could take advantage of a hand-up like welfare, but I do not think the lazy and ignorant should ruin it for the people that have come upon hard times. I do think there needs to be a more extensive screening process. Maybe mandatory, public-college or trade classes should be required for the adult benefitting from welfare. I'm not an expert on the subject but I think that there are many things the current administration (or any administration) could do differently. SOMETHING needs to change, but the answer is NOT to get rid of social-funds like welfare.



I feel it is our obligation as humans to take care of our kind in need. Some people are physically unable to work to support themselves; take my aunt who has MS and is paralyzed. Thanks to money awarded to her from the local and federal governments, through taxpayer money, and the support and love from of the people around her, she is taken care of and has enough money to meet her needs. She is not rich and not swimming in the benefits of the system- she is just surviving.



There is also an obvious population control issue going on the United States. And, a lot of it has to do with illegal immigration. Is it a problem? Yes. Would I, personally, want to get out of Mexico? Yes. Would that mean jumping the border if it meant the safety of my family? Most definitely. Drug cartels are controlling Mexican government. The Sex-Trade is at its worst. Violence and rape are rampant. The protocol for legal immigration into the United States is tedious, and not guaranteed. I have empathy for the people, the families of Mexico who are trying to do what is best for their family, in the worst of situations.



The idea of the United States must be idyllic to the people wanting to immigrate from other countries in hardship. And when we talk about the "culture" of the United States, we acknowledge the idea of the "melting-pot". We are ALL a product of someone who made the decision to IMMIGRATE here from another country (minus the Native Americans... but that's another discussion). Did some of my ancestors immigrate here illegally from European countries? Yes. Who am I to say that Mexicans can't come in, just because my bloodline got here a few centuries before them, and found circumstances a litte more favorable?



What is the answer to this? I don't really know. Maybe we should be more open to the idea of immigration- maybe make a prerequisite for their 'Green Card' be to learn English. I do agree that they cannot stay here if they are just milking the system; they should learn English and become productive members of the American Workforce. They should pay taxes before they receive our medical benefits. Many of them already do.



But maybe we should also talk about not overpopulating the world by making your family 5 times the size it needs to be, to do "God's work". Talk about a GIGANTIC carbon foot print. I'm pretty sure Mexicans can do God's work too. Isn't that the point? Love thy neighbor? We want more American kids to overpopulate the country and spread the good word... but can't Mexican immigrants, in their enitirety, do the job just as well? Just a thought (or maybe a liberal tirade).



The arguments that go against my personal political beliefs are of valid concern. But the only thing they conjure within me, is the idea that the social system needs change.



The idea of helping and loving our fellow man, is the basis for my political beliefs. Is there manipulation of people and politicians with similar beliefs? Yes. And it sucks. The point is that we need to rearrange; we need to discuss new options- we need to edit social reform, not eliminate it.



I am not offeneded by,nor feel the need to council someone with different beliefs than me. I feel that if they are being true to their core values and beliefs through their political opinions, right on! But to me, compassion is an unmatched basis for political stance. I want to see, but mostly I want to be a part of helping my fellow country-men; and bettering the country we live in.



And that is what I needed to hear myself say.

Letters to My Mother

Hey mommy! Thanks for that email. I'm in the control room right now and I printed out the Alan Cohen excerpt so my co-workers could take a look at it when they are in here! I hope you are having a lovely day. I am so far :)

It was hard for me to wake up this morning because I was so cozy in my Victorias Secret jammies and snowboard socks underneath all my new comfy bedding. I have to say that mornings are both hard and a favorite part of my day. I wake up and think about how amazing Thomas and our life together is... and how I wish I could lay in bed all day cuddled up next to him with Guinness snuggled at my feet... watching CSI or something. It's always bittersweet leaving for work while they lay asleep. But kissing them both before I leave reminds me of what I get to come home to and it keeps me content all day.

I don't know how to explain how I feel lately. I guess that's because for the first time in my life, I am genuinely happy- not to say that I have always been unhappy. But, I think happiness means something different to me than it does most other people. Most people are happy just being alive, but I think I need a little more than that to keep me satisfied.

To be happy, I have always needed to know that I am making something better; that someone or something has been fixed, completed, accomplished or gotten better because of me. I never knew why I would always be anxoius when I have been given mundane tasks or free time. Both of those freak me out. I guess it is just something hardwired in my nature to be progressive- to be working towards something. I think that's why you and I both like crossword puzzles and stuff so much :) and I think my job is such a big part of that.

As much as I feel like pulling my hair out at the end of a workday, I go home feeling satisfied... like I have just eaten something very filling and nutritious. Ok, maybe that is a cheesey analogy, but it's the only way I can put it. And it's not that I never wanted to do all of this before, but I didn't know how. I didn't have the resources and knowledge that I have now.

I know, and always have known, that the key to my happiness lies in improving the condition of the world somehow. I know that I am just one person- just one, naeve, young person with little effect on the world. But as long as I feel like I am doing something... I get by. I know that the improvements I aspire to make seem trivial in the light of the world; the universe, but they are enough for me. Sometimes "improving" is as simple as drawing flowers to make the world a prettier place and putting it on someone's fridge :) Sometimes it involves dealing with something much uglier than that.

Sometimes the world could use a little more naevety, you know? If everyone begins to think that improving the world is a lost cause, we'd give up hope and that's where humanity would fail. I think that if people sought to do small things every day to make the world a better place, they would find unimaginable happiness... like epic happiness on a whole new scale of happiness that they didn't know could exist. Do I sound like such a hippie right now???

I'm not trying to toot my own horn. I'm just saying I have been lucky enough to cross paths with the opportunity to realize all of this and I will try to extend the same courtesy I have been given to other people.

Maybe this realization is just characteristic for my personality type alone. Maybe others find other things of much more importance in life. Maybe I would seem delusional to them. Maybe my efforts and hopes seem silly to them. But they aren't silly to me, and I guess that's all that matters.

My current career and newly-starting-out-family pair together to add the special ingredients to make a more fulfilling life. I have found a love towards Thomas that I didn't know was possible with someone not of my own blood. I have discovered true happiness in supporting my core values and being loved by someone that I love. Of course Mom, it helps that I had such a good start. I have an amazing support system- a nutty family I wouldn't change for the world. Because of the people I grew up around, I feel like I have a realistic and empathetic perspective on life that I want to explin to other people (Don't I sound like such a liberal??)

I know what my happiness means to you, thank you for always taking an interest in it. I know it isn't easy being a mother. So know that before you leave for Germany, that I am a big girl; you aren't leaving me behind. You are just doing what it is that you need to do to find YOUR genuine happiness. So go ahead, and know that I am okay. I have been doing a lot of growing up, and for the most part- you are done cleaning up my messes (literally). Thank you for being patient as my "growing up" didn't start to take place until so recently.

Making you proud of me is the most important thing I could ever do for you as your daughter.

I love you! So, Stop crying right now!

Tashi

Letting Go

Many things have changed since those days;
The days of wandering around half naked
In the irrigation water across the lawn;
The days of fresh cut grass
And the sound of dad mowing the lawn;
The days of raspberries and jam;
The days of climbing cottonwood trees;
The days of swings hanging from trees by yellow rope;
The days of perfectly lemonade skies
Of rose dusted mountains;
The days when lilac grew
On the fence to the west;
And where southern rock sweetly crept
Out of the doors and windows of the living room.
Those things seize to exist
Except for vivid memories
That cradle my existence in warm palms.

Understanding that change
Is a natural course of life,
Has been harder than doing just so.
It’s letting go of naps in hammocks,
Beautiful balcony views of my world,
Peacocks yelping in the distance,
Fuzzy pink carpet between my toes,
A black dog who was always skin and bones.

It is letting go of balloons docking themselves on the green lawn,
Grizzly beards from daddy,
Handprints in wet cement,
Softball games and raspberry daiquiris,
Camping on the lawn with neighborhood kids,
Blue slides and turtle sand boxes,
Dinner at a round dining room table,
The sounds of dogs barking,
Brick floors, and brown couches.
Sometimes letting go of something passed
Is harder than letting go of an era;
It’s letting go of the ingredients that have created you.

Going Home is Part of the Journey

I made my way through the arroyo near my house. A crevace of nature in the middle of suburbia. I watched my four dogs pounce and prance through the rain water travelling through the sandy canyon. They scampered after birds, sniffed with their noses touching the wet sand. They ran up and down hills and playfully wrestled along the way. It was then when I realized the small but significant similarity between myself and my loyal friends.

We happily enjoyed the autumn air.

When I called to notify them that we were turning around, they happily complied, and headed west with me.

They didn't care that today's journey was half over, they didn't resist the change. They weren't set on any specific direction by which to travel, but were happy to go any which way.

They discovered new things to sniff and see that they missed the first time they passed them.

Going home was still part of the journey. I realized I was quite content myself, with whatever it is that I've been doing. It doesn't matter what. I'm not resisting, but embracing change; reveling in each beautiful moment.

I'm fine on my own.

The Tattered Angel Fish

I got home today and nearly collapsed on the couch.

I wanted to cry as my dog looked up at me, informing me he needed to go out. It was a long day. And sometimes after long days, you need a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and a Marlboro.

I grabbed my dog, and my unhealthy habits, and headed outside. On edge, on the verge of tears.

I went over my hellacious day in my head as I sat at a bench. There was one thing that had me near the "I-need-to-scream-in-my-pillow-or-my-ears-will-start-steaming" type of mood.

A kid at work decided to call me "bitch" at least twenty-five times today. Don't ask me why, because I don't have an answer for you. I was annoyed and have been a little annoyed the past few weeks at work.

Talking to someone who doesn't want to listen to you, is the most exhausting thing you can ever attempt to do. Another exhausting thing that I have found in my line of work is providing something called "support". Especially when it is thrown back in your face on a regular basis.

These are just a couple of annoyances I have discovered at a job that I love. We all have them... even at the jobs we LOVE. And I do love my career, but it's a type of love I'm new to.

I came inside from walking my dog and decided to mindlessly stare at my fishtank. This is something that I do called "zoning out" and I use it as a coping mechanism for stress and boredome. Any way, the fishtank is called a bio-orb and it is round with fluorescent lights, a bubbler and plastic foliage at the bottom.

One of the fish caught my eye. It is a small, black, angel fish with a couple of decrepid bottom fins and feelers. He was kind of swimming sideways like his equilibrium was a little bit off. I have heard this is a sign that an aquarium fish is feeling under the weather. It was no surprise to me that he might be feeling pretty awful.

My mind drifted off to a couple of days ago as I was "zoning out" in aquarium world.

I had noticed that the black angel fish was staying near one of the plastic plants more than usual that day. I screamed for Thomas in horror that the baby angel had his bottom fin and feeler wedged in between the leaf and stem of the plant.

Thomas to the rescue! He worked to wiggle the fins out of the plastic plant cunundrum. In horror, tears welled up in my eyes as I watched him try to set him free. (So, yes I am very sensitive towards fragile, vulnerable things. And yes I suppose I have assumed that the fish is a boy fish). He finally set the fish free and he could barely swim. Then had to drag his adult girlfriendhad away from the fish bowl after about 30 minutes of intently watching the injured little creature.

My mind came back to the present when I had one of those "Ahaa!" moments. I do have a soft spot for the fragile, vulnerable things in this world. That is just part of who I am. My compassion towards my fish, and the disadvantaged kids I work with, are not so different.

The student I was frustrated with is a vulnerable and misled child who cannot be held accountable for the plants that he has been snagged on. His acting out is a side effect of such damaging occurences. So instead of swimming sideways, he shows he is hurt somewhere by displaying erratic behaviors... like calling his authority figure a "bitch".

So I don't get it, but I had a normal upbringing. I am lucky. And I am fully aware that with the luxuries of having a normal childhood, I owe those who didn't; my wisdom, my advice, my supervision.

So maybe the little black angel fish won't make it, maybe he will. Maybe he will recover completely, but there is a chance he might not; that parts of him will never be the same. I have to prepare myself for all of the outcomes. And all of the side effects of his injuries. I have know how much control I have over the situation; and the truth is I can only do my best. I will give him what he needs to survive, but sometimes that won't be enough. I cannot get attached, or I'll never make it out in one piece.

So call me a bitch and I will try to understand where you are coming from. I will try to remember that you are just swimming sideways.